Have Death crossed your mind?

Yes! A couple of times and as a Psychology major I know for sure that it's not a good sign of a good mental health. I'm tired! I'm tired to be good at front. I'm tired to be something that I wanted to be. I'm tired being judged up front. I'm tired to care too much. I'm tired to look I'm okay. I'm tired to be misunderstood.

Am I diagnosed with Depression? No. Do I think I'm diagnosed with Depression? I feel like I'm depressed now but will not be diagnosed with one. But why do I feel like dying? It's not because of life. I believe that life is amazing. I'm just tired. Tired of a lot of things that I can't explain. Sometimes, I ask myself if I write my suicide letter what will it look like? What will it say? I think it would be blank. I will not say anything to my loved-ones nor give will to the ones i love. It's not because I don't have one. Maybe, it's the feeling of being missed, understood, and appreciating me is what I want. Can't I get it now? That's a trick question. Sometimes, I feel like I can sometimes I don't. But sometimes I feel like people around me will appreciate me more when I am gone. Will I be happy if I die and leave them behind? No. I don't know if I will ever be happy if I die by suicide. But why does it cross my mind a couple of times? Life, I guess.

I wanted a happy life. Something that I can't imagine I will ever have. I know people around me will not adjust to me. And, I should learn that. No one in this world will be forever be your side anyways - that is for sure. Your family can go against you when life goes tough, they will not bother to understand you either. Your spouse? He/she might not listen or be your side always. Life is not always a better place but everytime that it doesn't I feel like having a suicide. A suicide that is not planned. I don't know how to do my suicide but I keep thinking about it like what if I'm gone will things be better without me. Will other people understand me now that I am gone? Or will I be another headline in the news where "A Professor who is a Head of a Psychology Department, and a Fiance found dead in her room". Funny isn't it I don't have my room either how could I do my suicide?

But I do, Yes, I keep on thinking suicide more than often. Am I in denial that I am diagnosed with one? Maybe, will my feelings get validated this time if I do the did? Yes, I think. People will probably be shocked if they heard me dead because I am always a jolly, optimistic person, full of dreams. But honestly, I've thought of suicide a lot of times already. Do I want to get better if I am diagnosed with one? Well, the question is will my feelings finally be heard? Will I still be invalidated?

Yes, death has crossed my mind a multiple times already.